Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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