I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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