Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
