Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
