i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
