Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
