I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
