You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
