im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
