I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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