I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
