Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
