I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have tasted many bathrooms
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
