last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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