I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
