She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
