why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
