I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
