i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
