I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Randomize
