My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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