Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
