Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
