i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
