WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
