I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
