My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
