So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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