Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need to calm my uterus...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
