I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
