Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So much Jack, so little girl.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
