matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
