thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
