I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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