My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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