My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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