Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
