I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
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