I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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