how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
