I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
