my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
