Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
