Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
