i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
