thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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