I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
