john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
