im drinking this country out of the recession.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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