I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
